The Birthday Boy

Disclaimer: The views that are expressed by characters or the narrator in this story do not represent the views of the author.

It had been a rough day at work. Progress had not been made on several cases. Blame had nearly been assigned for the lack of progress. However, the source of the blame had been averted by passive voice being used by the source of the blame, therefore protecting the name of the detective at fault.

Detective Entine needed to unwind. He drove to the one spot in town that offered the one thing that still gave him comfort during rough times. He had been frequenting this place in secret, every week for the last several months.

He parked his car in a near-empty parking lot, hoping that no passerbys would spot him. The fake-leather upholstery on the seats of his car were mostly worn away, like his optimism in life. But the inner foam that poked out between the cracks of his seat was quite comfortable. The paint on the exterior of the car was partial chipped away. But the islands of paint that remained were exhilarating shades of dull brown.

Entine scrambled across the parking lot, pulling his collar up and his hat down around his face. If anyone spotted him, he could be busted. He entered a run-down building.

As he entered, Lance and Jeff, two of the staff members, glanced at each other and rolled their eyes at the sight of Entine. Jeff stepped forward to greet Entine with obligatory enthusiasm.

“Welcome to Big Winner Pizza. Step this way, Big Winner!" boomed Jeff. Entine followed Jeff towards the tables, and sat down at an empty table in an empty room.

Lance brought him two pizzas. The pizzas were square, and could easily have been mistaken for delivery boxes topped with tomato sauce and half-melted yellow candle wax. However, Entine did not seem to mind. Too bad there’s no one to share this pizza with, a stray thought that might have been Entine’s reflected, as he scarfed down pizza.

After the lone detective had eaten his fill, a human-sized humanoid panda, ostrich, and giraffe appeared out of nowhere, accompanied by the other staff members of Big Winner Pizza. On an obvious hidden cue, the staff began to sing. "Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Antwerp…Happy Birthday to you!"

The staff of Big Winner Pizza clapped, and Antwerp Entine clapped. Lance delivered the Speech of Inspiration:
"You're going to be a Big Winner today! Blow out the candles on the cake, Big Winner!"

Entine proceeded to blow out the 38 candles on a gluey cake. Lance and Jeff discretely aided, and together they blew out all the candles.

Jeff slapped him on the back and robotically congratulated him. "Congratulations! You're a Big Winner!"

Entine felt great. It wasn't his birthday today or even this month, but he needed to feel like it was his birthday to put him back in the right mood. He was bursting with confidence now. He was going to win the electronic Golfing Bear in Skee-ball tonight.
He had never won the Golfing Bear in all his life, but he just knew that it would be his for the taking this time.

The Golfing Bear was an aristocratic yet couch-potatoish looking plush bear that wore a plaid golfing outfit and held a golf club in both hands. When you pressed the back of the bear, its arms would swing down in a perfect arc. The Golfing Bear could actually hit golf balls correctly, though it didn't have a lot of power behind its stroke.

Entine placed a token in the Skee-ball machine and began to play. He threw the first ball with a confidence that he had not felt in a long time. The ball landed in the 50 hole.

Hot dawg, he thought.

He threw the second ball, and the same thing happened.

You're gonna have that Golfing Bear in no time.

He got cocky, and third ball landed in the 30 hole.

No biggie.

He played through the rest of the balls and spent the last of his tokens. At the end, he scored 1230, 70 points shy of the 1300 that he needed to win the Golfing Bear.

He pleaded and argued with Lance and Jeff. But no one bends the rules at Big Winner Pizza.

"Come on, I've been coming to this **** place for 5 years, and you won't even give me a flippin’ Golfing Bear to show your appreciation for my business?!" Entine yelled.

Jeff stepped forward to handle the matter. "Look, ‘Twerp. First of all, this is supposed to be a child-friendly environment geared towards children. Please don't use profanity in here."

"But there are no kids here!"

"It still looks bad for business. Which brings me to my second point. Your 'business' is driving other customers away, because every Little Timmy in town is getting his heart broken because he can't come to Big Winner Pizza as his parents promised him for his birthday, because you reserve the entire place for yourself every week for your birthday.”

“So what,” retorted Entine, “You bring in the same dough regardless of who reserves this place.”

“Unfortunately not,” snapped Jeff. “All the parents have been complaining to their friends, and now they take their kids to high-class establishments such as CooCoo Clown instead of Big Winner Pizza for their birthdays."

"Listen,” Jeff added, trying to placate Entine. “1230 points is enough to buy the Wind-up Rabid Dog, the Little League Hockey cap, and any number of other respectable
commodities."

"But I want the Golfing Bear!", shouted Entine.

"Look,” said Jeff, “I respect your authority as detective. But you know I can’t bend the rules. I’ve indulged your birthday addiction for a long time, but I can’t keep doing this.”

Entine slumped out of Big Winner Pizza, no longer feeling like a Big Winner.

He slumped back into his ratty but comfortable jalopy, and drove back to headquarters. He needed to find some other means of cheer to add color to his dreary, fish-n-chips-in-newspaper-soaked life.

Apparently, having Happy Birthday sung to him every week was too much to ask in exchange for keeping the town safe from dangerous criminals. He slumped back to his desk, ready to perform his duty to society by tackling the next case.